How to coach your leaders to embrace leadership?

Single, efficient and no nonsense - that was what defined Joseph. People expected him to be strict and a man of few words. In meetings that’s what he did. He called a spade a spade, spared no one and got the work done. 

The achiever that he was, he often found himself lonely at the top. Bossy, aggressive, low on compassion - that was what people thought of him. They expected to be rebuked when they went to him. And they did get rebuked. Somewhere he had become what the grapevine said about him. Or maybe he was always like that. 

And he was a high performer. He was a prime candidate for the new management development initiative and hence would be assigned a coach with whom he would have to work the next 6-12 months. The leadership coaching objective had to be mutually decided with the coach. After 23 years in the industry Joseph didn't think he needed a coach. But probably he could be a coach himself. Lost in these thoughts, he went to his first session. 

His coach, a petite, gray haired woman, dressed smartly in a navy blue suit was seated at his desk. As Joseph approached, she rose and walked over. Warmly shook hands and led him to the sofa where they could sit at the same level with each other, no table in between. After the pleasantries, Moira just dropped the question - 

Moira: Do you think you need a coach? 

Joseph: I want to be a coach. 

Mo: Ok. That’s a good place to start from. But why do you want to be a coach? 

Jo: I have quite a lot of experience. I am sure you’ve gone through my profile. There’s quite a lot that I can give back. 

Mo: Is there something that’s holding you back from being a coach? 

Jo: Honestly, I don’t think I need a coach. I want to be a coach. And this exercise, where I was allocated a coach made me begin to think along these lines. No disrespect intended, but I have more experience than you and probably can become a better coach. 

Mo: That’s an interesting perspective. But I’d like to think that I have more experience of coaching people. More on that later. But I am intrigued, tell me are you usually this straightforward in all your conversations? 

Jo: Yes, I don’t beat around the bush. 

Mo: How do your team and your stakeholders respond to that? Do you have any challenges with managing their emotions? 

Jo: Emotions? Why would they approach me to manage their emotions? 

Mo: When conversations aren’t tactful, they tend to upset others. When people are emotionally charged about a situation, their affinity to logic goes for a toss. So when your team is at a loss emotionally, or they don’t know how to handle your straight feedback, what do you do? 

Jo: I don't think they have this problem with me. Anyway, if they want to cry or rant, they can use the washroom and then come back to work. 

Mo: Was that how you handled emotional situations very early in your career? 

Jo: My parents were no nonsense. They expected chores to be done and I learnt early on that only good work earned you bread. In our home, there was no space for tears or tantrums. We were a large family, and there was lots to be done. My team is large, and I run it the same way. 

Mo: So in your mind, your team is your family?

Jo: Yes, I suppose so. 

Mo: How close are you to your real family? Do you meet up often? Are you friends with your siblings and know what’s up with them? 

Jo: No. As people I barely know them. They’ve made weird career choices and I don't know what to talk to them about anymore. One of them is a painter, the other teaches at a primary school and another records YouTube videos. And they aren’t very well off. So all the discipline that our parents instilled in us got them nowhere. 

Mo: Tell me something about yourself that will help me know you as a person. And don’t tell me things that are already on your profile. 

Jo: Well, I listen to classical music. I enjoy stand up comedy and am a regular at a comedy club near my place. I don't like reading, but I have trained myself to read compulsorily every day. I push my team to read too. I love ice hockey, though I haven’t played in a few years. 

Mo: Do you know such details about your team members? What they enjoy or dislike? 

Jo: No. Why should I? 

Mo: You said, they are family. Don't you think not knowing all of this about the people who you work with day in day out could lead to estrangement later on? 

And suddenly just like that, a major piece of the puzzle fell into place. While Joseph excelled at his job, he was never truly fulfilled. He didn’t see his team members as any different from the furniture around him or the service staff. And that’s why relationships with them were cold and inanimate. Yet in his mind, they were family. 

After staying in conversation with his coach for quite a few months, Joseph was able to let himself go from the “assumed” head of the family, put bread on the table role. He learnt to trust that his team could get the work done and that it would make his team a better place to work if there was some degree of warmth and fun in being a part of it. 

That said, Joseph moved out of that company in a couple of years and now is an organisational coach for “cold” cases. Just the irony of it all.

Becoming aware of the shadow that you cast, makes space for newer opportunities. During his coaching journey, Joseph became aware of many blind spots, of things that he didn’t know that he didn’t know. And over time, with intent and practice, it only made him better at his core job - that of being a leader and then a leadership coach.