In my previous article on conversational intimacy, I shared how it could be achieved virtually. Paula’s story sparked many conversations. A few that led me to take a dig at a follow-up version.

Like always, I will lead with a story (names changed). 

Shaily was temporarily assigned to lead a new team in her organization. This was on account of her clear success in the previous one. The team that she was now assigned was perceived to be slightly dormant. The management wanted to leverage Shaily’s team engagement skills to see if she could flip the scene.

Within a month of her working with this new team, she confessed to me, “It’s like a jigsaw puzzle. I can see all the pieces lying around but I am not able to complete the picture.”

At the outset, her team looked like a normal team. They were punctual, quick to respond to emails and messages but they were simply not involved. Put simply, they had accepted the status quo and reached a point of “I don’t care”. 

Every-time Shaily asked them how they felt about their work, or if any changes were troubling them, their usual response was, “Everything is fine”; “Yeah, all good.” To ‘Are you excited’, their collective response was “Absolutely”.

Initially, Shaily took these responses at face value. But gradually she understood there was a gap in how they felt and how they responded. She realized that she was missing the subtle cues in their responses. She had to dig deep to get a hold of the team’s pulse. And given that there was no physical connection, she had to be creative about it. 

What does one do in such situations? 

1. Spark (non-work) complex conversations

Shaily had been trying to make life simpler for the team. But their disappointment was so ingrained that they had developed unconscious ways of absorbing resentment. They avoided sharing troubles and conflicts.

The first step was to identify the root cause of their indifference. For that, Shaily needed to shake some trees.

She knew that to elicit any kind of response from them, she first had to make them relieve their agony or what they were feeling. 

So, she invested her time in building a safer place for her team members to discuss unaddressed complicated concerns. One conversation - per team member - every week. 

Additionally, she facilitated a monthly virtual meeting that was called – ‘Igniting troubles.’ She gave them a topic and asked them to share a personal/professional story that they related to that topic. All topics were polarized. It was the best way to bring the team’s conversational relationships with one another to the surface.

Some of the topics that Shaily and her team spoke about were:

• Politics: Not a topic for office

• Why is my role the most important role in the organization

• Which is better - Marvel or DC

• #MeToo 2.0

 2. Lead ‘Zoom-Out’ discussions

Shaily started a weekly activity where team members could ask each other three questions. She made it mandatory to ask at least one question. Anything that they had been really curious about. She participated as a team member herself. Sometimes she invited another senior leader from the organization. It got fresh blood flowing.  

These conversations raised many suppressed questions and concerns. They helped people zoom out and look at the larger scope of things.

It’s not just enough to ask questions. It’s important to let them ask questions. 

 3. Foster intentional care

Being a working mother, I can’t resist sharing a related analogy. Sometimes, when you want the father to do as much as you do, you need to intentionally assign responsibilities.

Shaily conducted a ‘seasonless’ version of Secret Santa. She had a different take on it Every member had to find out 5 interesting things about another member’s life during COVID. Based on that, they had to send them a gift. Shaily managed to give them a company allocated budget for the same.

Her intent was to bring the team together. Once she was able to do that, it would become easier to figure out their issues with the organization. 

Conversational intimacy needs us to have an ear out for what people didn’t say. The words that they don't want anyone else to hear. It's a lot about reading the silences.

What’s important is to know where, when, and how to initiate conversations. And it's equally important to know when and where to quit.

It’s hard work. But intimacy is hard. Not being conversationally intimate makes it even harder. Which hard will you choose?

Intrigued, let's speak...